How can you love someone else, if you do not love yourself?
How many times have you heard it or heard someone tell you this? I personally believe it is partially true in the aspect of not really getting love back, but also in the sense that it is important to really discover yourself, and heal your persona before you can really fully understand the term of love and how this could actually improve your life in different aspects, even in regards to a partner, but more importantly in general.
The last time I heard this phrase was on the Behind the Scene Podcast or only BTS Podcast hosted by Beatrice, Tammy and Sharon. The hosts received a message from a woman saying that she discovered her husband believes she is ugly. I leave here the link to understand how she found out “My husband thinks I’m ugly” l EP 124 | The BTS Podcast) (very ugly) but the thing that struck, and I believe the hosts and other listeners too, was that she was still (at least until the time she wrote the message to the podcast) with her husband and that she wanted advice.
The conversation among the hosts continued on how she needed to break the relationship (paraphrasing):
“You can’t (and I add, do not) hate yourself! You can’t pretend for people to love you and appreciate you if you do not love yourself more.”
Definitely (in my opinion) in this case there is a lack of self-esteem of which the man took advantage in order to be in a comfortable relationship.
But the conversation went on and this is what I like about this podcast (and other articles will come out from it): how come, to value another person, in this case as many others often a woman, we just stop at the external aspect?
We do not know how this man looks, we do not really care and so does the wife as obviously, this is not how we should value a person.
But as many times happened and came out in the podcast: often women are valued by their aspect, meanwhile men from their income.
Bingo!
Nothing has been said about this woman apart from her external aspect and even if she would have been richer than him (probably that was even the case), more intelligent, brilliant, educated the only thing that the husband and his male friends could talk about was her image.
This case is, unfortunately, the perpetuating problem that women face every day just for being a woman – adapt our own image on the social, cultural, and economic criteria:
– Social: perfect body image
– Cultural: housewife and mother
– Economic: unemployed or at least earn less than the man.
If we fit into all these categories we are considered perfect; if one or two are manageable, if none you are a particular case that people do not understand how can you still possibly be considered beautiful without a model body, have an amazing full-time job and still contribute in the house, in the family, be a successful professional and have a partner proud of your wealth and support you.
I was shocked at the beginning, but the more the conversation continued the more I thought that it was the same story but from another angle.
This episode made me think about “All about Love” by Bell Hooks, which is more like a bible of life and really resonates not only in this case but in everyday life.
Prof. Hooks reports M. Scott Peck’s definition of love as “…the will to extend one’s self to the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth” or better “ Love is as love does.” Love is an act of will- namely both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”
It is important for the person who wrote to BTS and for all of us to understand that love is an action that we have to choose towards ourselves. But the choice and the will sometimes are not enough, we have to be in a loving environment.
In fact, Prof. Hooks dedicated a chapter in regards to self-esteem where she referred to the same phrase “You have to love yourself before somebody loves somebody else” unlocking what I believe could really help us in this story: “When we can see ourselves as we truly are and accept ourselves, we build the necessary foundation for self-love.”
Self-love, self-acceptance and being considered loveable are very hard especially for women, being our first worst critic and surrounding ourselves mostly with negative thoughts.
We often believe self-love is naive, selfish, and too feminist for a woman and we deprive ourselves of all these to accomplish others.
“Self-love is the foundation of loving practice. Without it our other efforts to love fail”.
We deserve to give ourselves the “unconditional love that is the grounding for sustained acceptance and affirmation.” because only in this condition our love will come from a “place of fullfillment and not from a place of lack.”
I hope this woman listened to the podcast episode and started her healing process and search for self-love, not to find someone that really loves her for what she is, but to firstly put herself as a priority and love herself, fully, and infinitely.
The Feminist Health CIC 